Being lied to can be very confronting...

Does that seem an outrageous question? If so, have a think about the last lie you told.

Was it two years ago….two months ago…two weeks ago…..or perhaps two minutes ago?

Perhaps you don’t count those “little white lies”?

How do you answer… “Does my bum look big in this…..”?  Anyone….?!

And when the girl at the checkout asks how your day has been, do you say ”Good thanks”, regardless of the chaos or torment that might be unfolding in your life?

Or perhaps you don’t include omissions – those times when you don’t answer, don’t say what you really think, don’t tell the complete story…

The truth of the matter is that we all lie. We lie for all sorts of reasons, but the underlying reason is that we perceive that there will be more advantages to us through lying than there will be disadvantages. We imagine that telling the truth will involve greater risks.

Thus children lie to:

• avoid being yelled at, smacked or grounded

• create a bit of magic and wonder

• entertain others

• avoid having privileges removed

• allow them to continue doing something that’s important to them

Adults lie in order to:

• avoid causing offence,

• advance their career prospects,

• secure a hot date

• be given the share market tip

• save money

• save time

• avoid conflict and achieve peace and quiet

• create a bit of magic and wonder (see..we don’t lose it…)

• provide some breathing space before achieving a deadline

• allow them to continue doing something that’s important to them

The last reason is the key to our lies. We want to maintain something that is important to us which may not be important to others.

The child may say “Yes I’ve done my homework” so that he can keep playing video games.

The adult might say “I’ll be there in 10 minutes” and later say the traffic was bad, because it’s avoids time and energy dealing with criticism while that last important email is drafted.

Each one of us has a unique set of values, a hierarchy of things which are most important to us.

These could be:

• family, or specifically our children or partner

• fashion

• career

• building wealth

• a spiritual quest

• time in nature

• health, fitness,

• friends

• and myriad other possibilities

Others in our lives have different values, and will not see the importance of what we want to spend our time, money and energy pursuing. Remembering this fact can save us a great deal of angst. It’s not that others don’t care about us, it’s just that they’re pursuing their own values.

Am I saying that lying doesn’t matter? No, I’m not. Lies can have serious consequences on our relationships, and if we tell them we ought to be prepared for those consequences.

And if we expect others to live inside our values instead of their own, it is it wise to be prepared for the reality that we will be told more lies.

Do I think some lies have more profound impacts than others? Yes, absolutely.

But I have learnt that we can manage our responses to the lying of others, as well as to our own lies.

Ultimately, we have no control over the behaviour of others. We can only control how we respond. The choices we make have an impact on our health and wellbeing, and on our capacity to achieve what we would love in our lives. So it is worth choosing wisely.

So how to manage lies?

1. Remember that everyone lies. If we think of times when we have lied, it can reduce the resentment we feel about others lying. It prevents us from being self-righteous.

 2. Look at how the lies of others have served you.                                                               

     Have they:

• Saved you time, money, energy?

• Spared you conflict or embarrassment?

• Helped you to draw boundaries around your time?

• Made you more realistic in your expectations? 

 This exercise will reduce the fantasy we have that life would be better if people were always honest.

   3. Maintain an awareness and respect for the values of others. This will help you to reduce the fantasy that others will live outside their values in order to meet yours.

If you speak to others through their values they will be better able to hear what’s important to you and can be more honest about what is important to them in a given situation.

The same principles can be applied to your own lies, so that you don’t carry guilt and shame about your own dishonesty.

Call me if you’d like to know more.