Do you find yourself saying that you don’t have time for fitness or meditation – life’s too hectic?

Did you know that if you climb a flight of 12 steps you burn about 5 calories?

If you walk up the flight quickly you burn 11 calories per minute and if you run you burn 19 calories per minute.

And you’re challenging your hamstrings and gluteus muscles to give them a workout and to help tone your butt.

So you could just choose the stairs for even half the flights or half the time instead of taking the lift and you’re working on your weight and fitness goals. Every day, in increments of just a few minutes.

And there’s the added benefits of getting oxygen to your brain and reminding yourself that you’re someone who is taking action towards health and fitness goals. That has a compounding effect on our ability to set and achieve other goals.

In each moment we have a choice. Remembering that can help us to seize the opportunities to fulfil our goals, and to head in the direction that serves us best.

When you wait for the lift, the stairs are off to the side offering you an opportunity.

It could also be an opportunity to focus on your breath for two minutes, to practice mindfulness instead of having a busy full mind. A few minutes focusing on your breath can reduce stress and increase your focus and productivity.

Only you know what is best for you in any given moment.

To help you achieve the best for yourself –

Decide what goals you’d love to achieve in each area of your life. Your career and finances, your health and wellbeing, your relationships.Move towards those goals with regular, achievable action steps.Affirm your goal daily - use language that supports your goals – in the present tense with the outcome you desire.

For example, I see opportunities to build my savings and act on them daily ;

I support my body with exercise every day.

4. Be on the lookout for the opportunities that present themselves to you to help you achieve your goals.

If you’d like to know more about setting goals and working towards them, or if you’d like to clear some of the unhelpful beliefs or ideas that are holding you back, send me a text or email or give me a call – I’d love to help.

Ask me about a special offer I have for February for those who are serious about achieving their goals in 2020.

Probably like most people, you think you’re good when you do certain things, like go to the gym or eat healthily. And bad when you do other things like eat junk food or watch excess television.

We each have a set of rules that we measure our actions against, and the actions of other people we encounter.

We are wise to examine those rules, to check if they are true for us. They may be old beliefs we’ve taken on board as gospel from others.

Any time you think you “should” be doing something, it can be a sign you’re taking on someone else’s ideals.

The things in our lives which are most important to each of us form our unique set of values. They drive our behaviour and responses.

We admire those whose behaviour supports our values. We resent those whose behaviour challenges our values.

A parent who has a high value on their children will manage being woken in the middle of the night more easily than the parent who has a high value on career. They may feel that disturbed sleep affects their work performance.

Both parents might prefer to sleep through, but one will feel more resentment about disturbed sleep than the other. It’s the same set of circumstances but a different response according to a different value set. Neither parent is good or bad. Nor is the baby who sleeps through really good or the one who wakes repeatedly, bad.

Do we just grin and bear the challenges?

We can benefit from seeing how any challenge helps us to fulfil our highest values. A mother in a busy household might recognise that the time feeding the baby in the middle of the night is time out from the daily chaos. (one client saw that she was able to watch her favourite tv series without interruption then). That time for her own needs helps her to maintain the daily chores of caring for children without resentment.

A parent who is working long hours can recognise that this is a time for them to bond with the baby. Or that time may be useful for strategising and problem solving for the coming day. (If you think “No, the parent should be present with the baby then”, that will let you know that the child is your highest value - not good or bad, right or wrong, just your value, not everyone’s!).

We are constantly making decisions based on what we believe to be right or wrong, good or bad. The things we think are right will accord with our set of values.

Many of the things we think are bad or wrong are values we have taken on from others along the way. People we’ve admired or seen as an authority.

If our parents thought it vital to gain a university education, we may challenge a teenager who wants to leave school early or pursue something other than a degree.

Sometimes this will cause a values conflict and we are wise to ask ourselves - is it vital for my child to go to university? Or is that what I did to please my parents? Was it perfect for me but perhaps not for my child?

We experience values conflicts with others, but also in relation to the choices we make in our own lives.

We might stay in a relationship for longer than it serves us (or the other person). We may believe that loyalty is important, or that leaving will be evidence of a failure on our part

Perhaps we work when children are small because we think we have to, or stay at home with them because we think we have to - neither is good or bad, but one path might provide a richer experience for the whole family than another.

We may feel compelled to help others while resenting not having time to do what’s important to us.

We may spend money on things we’ve been conditioned to see as vital, and resent not having the funds to do what is inspiring for us.

We are constantly making choices in our lives, often unconsciously driven by beliefs about what is good or bad, what presents us as a good or bad person.

While you will judge some things you do as good or bad, it does not mean that you are good or bad, worthy or not, loveable or not.

When we do what feels meaningful for us, we can more effectively manage the challenges we face.

When we do what we value, we bring value to the people in our lives and to the world.

The truth is that each one of us has a magnificence far greater than we can imagine. It is only by honouring our own truth and taking action accordingly that we can bring to the world the gifts we are here to contribute.

Contact me if you would like assistance to clear what’s in the way of living more magnificently

At this time of year we hear lots of talk about making new year’s resolutions. The urge to make resolutions about committing to doing things differently comes from the part of us that wants something more in our lives. At the start of a new year, when things are fresh, we envisage more possibilities and our resolutions can be an expression of the changes we would love to see.

Resolutions might be about our health - committing to more exercise, eating less or eating more healthily, getting more sleep, quitting or cutting down on alcohol or cigarettes or other things that we know are toxic to our body.

They might be about building wealth - , improving our income, committing to a savings plan, making decisions about spending less on items which really aren't helping us to build our financial position.

Or they might be about the time and energy we are going to commit to building a business, to moving our career in a direction that we foresee as being more rewarding, more inspiring for us.

Maybe our goals are about creating a better balance between work commitments and family time. Or about improving our relationships, committing the time and energy to improving communication with people in our family or friendship circle from whom we might have become distant.

Or perhaps the relationship is ticking over on a superficial level, and we would like to have a deeper and more meaningful connection.

It could be about taking the steps necessary to bring about the romantic relationship that we'd love to have…...

But then, the other thing we hear at this time of year is how infrequently most of us stick to resolutions that we've made. It's no surprise that gyms and fitness coaches promote special deals around the new year, because they know that this is the time when we are likely to jump into a decision to do things differently. And we will commit to programs and payments in order to push us, to help us to make the change that we’d love to see become a reality.

So if we have this desire, and we are prepared to commit time to making a resolution, and perhaps the funds to join a gym or a dating website or an online program to teach us how to build a new career ……………..

Why can't we stick to our resolutions?

One of the main reasons is that we make resolutions that are unrealistic and it's a bit of a fantasy of what we would love to see in our lives. Therefore we don't take the necessary action, because it doesn't really seem like we would ever attain such a goal. We might love the idea of the lifestyle and status that comes with a particular career or business, but we have no real interest in working the long hours or confronting the challenges that would bring about that change.

So one of the key steps if we want to make changes is to set a realistic goal.

Another reason we don't succeed in bringing about these changes is because they are not actually meaningful to us. Perhaps there is somebody else in our lives that we are deferring to and we think we ‘should’ be making these changes because it is what they would do, or what they will approve of us doing. If you don't really have a desire for a six pack or the capacity to run a marathon or the interest in being your own boss, you will only feel frustrated by setting goals to attain those things.

Our resolutions or goals can only work if they are an expression of something that is really meaningful to us.

The third key thing about making changes in our lives is that it is important to break a big goal down into small, manageable steps. If you think about anything you've ever done that required planning and commitment, it will have involved countless individual decisions and actions.

If you travelled overseas, completed a renovation, organised a big function or project, it might have begun with a vision and then that was broken down into manageable steps.

For example, if it was an overseas trip - the first decision was where to go, when and for how long.

Perhaps it was tied to an event overseas and the dates worked around that. Then leave from work had to be organised.

Then research was conducted on flight costs, transport - trains, planes, hire cars…..

There were checks on visas and other travel documents necessary, injections that might be needed.

Decisions were made about how to organise money while travelling - foreign currency, credit or debit cards…

Then what was left behind - did a house need to be cared for, a garden watered by a neighbour, pets fed and cared for….

Any project we would love to bring to fruition involves similar stages and steps. So if you have a goal that is meaningful to you and you've ever bought any other project to completion, then that goal is achievable in the same way - by breaking it down into manageable tasks and reasonable time frames.

Any goal you would love to achieve can happen if you take small consistent action steps in that direction

Contact meif you’d love some help to get clear about goals that will work for you and the steps needed to bring them to fruition.

Read my blog for tips to achieve your goals

Have you ever parked in a place you’ve parked before but the council has rezoned it so that you receive a fine for parking illegally?

Have you been outraged by the impact of the small print in a document which delivers unpleasant consequences to you?

Have you tried to argue with a government agency about what should be applied to you that you see as fair and just, only to meet resistance and being told ‘those are the rules’?

Our not knowing the rules doesn't mean that the rules don't apply to us.

This is true, whether we are talking about parking laws, or universal laws which govern all of existence.

I'm going to talk about one of the natural laws - the law of polarity. This is the law which demonstrates that opposites are a part of the whole. We can see positives and negatives as two completely different things, when in fact they are the opposite ends of the same pole.

Whether we are looking at peace and war, health and sickness, support and challenge - these are all opposites, yet they complement each other and form part of the indivisible whole.

Thus we never have peace without war, health without sickness, support without challenge.

Knowing that both are always present can reduce stress, anxiety and resentment in any given moment.

Our greatest growth is at the border of support and challenge. If we are overly supported, we become dependent and if we are overly challenged we lack the confidence and resilience to take action.

But in reality each of these extremes is still a perception, for whenever we are supported in an area of our life, we are being challenged at the same time equally. Nature is always providing both sides and the more conscious we are of this reality, the greater the command we will have over our lives.

Have you ever had a situation where you encountered challenges that you felt were unpleasant and events occurred that you perceived as terrible?

Perhaps you felt that someone had done you a great disservice, or you had made a terrible mistake yourself?

And then at a future point, days or weeks or months later, you were able to recognise that in fact that terrible event had brought about some great gifts for which you were grateful?

The reality is that in every crisis there is a blessing, in every challenging situation we are also being supported, and in every seemingly beneficial situation there are drawbacks.

Have you longed for a relationship, and when it arrived you had a perception that you had attained a happy partnership?

Then gradually you began to recognise that you found yourself making sacrifices, doing things that weren't your preferred way to spend time, spending money on things which didn't accord with your financial plans?

Or, you landed the job of your dreams and perceived that you were on the path to fulfilling and rewarding pursuits in your career, only to discover that there were many new systems to be learnt which were tedious and confronting. Or colleagues whose personalities and behaviours required mental gymnastics to manage?

These are but a few examples of the law of polarity. We never have one side without the other.

In any relationship, whether it is a romantic, friendship, familial, or business relationship, there will be moments of support and moments of challenge; there will be moments of agreement and moments of conflict; there will be moments of laughter and moments of sadness.

And since we are receiving both sides at all times, we can look closely and see that when we are receiving support within the family, we will be challenged in another area, perhaps in our careers. Or perhaps we are receiving both in the same setting - one sibling might be encouraging us at the same time that another is being critical. When your child is telling you that you are the worst parent in the world, somebody else is thinking that you are doing a terrific job.

Within our bodies, cells are growing and dying at the same time. We are learning new things and forgetting others we've previously known. We lose strength in one area and become stronger in another.

In every event, every relationship, every area of life we experience the law of polarity. When we seek pleasure without pain and support without challenge, we are failing to recognise that this is an impossible dream.

And in fact, being blind to both sides of every situation means that we have less awareness of the best ways to respond. We have less resilience to manage challenging situations. We have less opportunity for growth. We miss the gifts which, when they are appreciated, can take us to a new level of understanding and provide us with the courage to tackle bigger and more rewarding goals.

The more quickly we are able to see both sides of an event, the greater our capacity to keep our perspectives balanced, to keep our emotions balanced, to prepare for all possibilities and to achieve our goals more efficiently and effectively.

If you would like to understand how this knowledge can help you to gain a greater sense of wellbeing, better health, and more financial rewards, contact me now to learn how I can work with you to help you to achieve whatever you would love to see in your life.

When we experience symptoms in the body we have a choice about how we respond.

We can see a headache as an inconvenient symptom and take a headache tablet. Or we can see it as feedback. Does it signal too much caffeine, not enough sleep, dehydration or trying to do too much and needing some fresh air and a break from the computer?

This doesn’t mean we can’t take a headache tablet, but our reflection can offer an opportunity to reduce the severity or recurrence of the symptoms.

If we keep getting headaches and taking tablets, we will often find the symptoms get louder because we’re removing the symptoms without receiving and acting on the feedback.

Conventional medicine will tell us that childhood eczema and asthma are connected, that a child who has eczema is likely to go on to develop asthma. The connection isn’t understood, it’s just a link that’s been identified. Homeopaths will tell us that any symptoms we suppress will be expressed elsewhere in the body. So if the eczema is suppressed over a long period with cortisone, the imbalance in the body can be expressed in the form of asthma. A patient can feel pleased that the eczema is ‘gone’ after the application of the cream, and disappointed that over time asthma has appeared. When actually the imbalance in the body has transformed from one expression to another.

Homeopaths have reported that when the symptoms of asthma have been treated, the eczema returns, and can then be treated, by working with the body rather than suppressing the symptoms.

I’m not saying that asthma can be easily cleared, or that a cream for eczema isn’t very attractive – I used to experience terrible itchiness and would have done almost anything to relieve eczema when I experienced it years ago. I am still prone to bursts of itchiness, but now I am drawn to ask what it’s telling me. Am I trying to avoid saying something important that might be hurtful to someone close to me? Something that might risk losing their affection? Or am I avoiding doing something that I have identified is important?

It’s about an internal conflict – how I would like to behave and how I think I ‘should’ behave. We are constantly juggling those two elements and making decisions about how to act, what to say, in order to achieve the outcome that we feel serves us best. The outcome we seek may be family harmony, personal or physical wellbeing or financial benefit. It may be gaining approval or building our sense of our worth.

On a physical level we are weighing up the pros and cons before deciding whether to eat or drink certain things or exercise instead of relaxing. The feedback I had the other night after eating Saganaki will definitely weigh into my decision making process if I’m offered it again!

In relationships, we refrain from saying what we’d love to say because of a perception it won’t be well received and may damage our connection with someone. But have you ever heard someone say ”I was really irritated when you said x, but it did encourage me to go to the gym/stop grumbling about my husband/(you can fill in the blanks) so now I’m glad you said it”?

And if we flip the situation and revisit times when we have heard things we didn’t want to hear, we can learn about what we gained from those moments and appreciate the courage someone took to share a difficult truth.

Sometimes we’ll think “thanks for sharing but I don’t need you or your criticism in my life” and that’s okay too. It’s important to let go of people who may have been important to us in the past, but who don’t nourish or extend us any longer. Holding on to those relationships can drain our reserves of energy and creativity.

Going back to a time when someone said something that hurt can be instructive. Look at one of those moments and ask “What did I gain from that?”. Sometimes criticism pushes us to strive to prove ourselves, and when we do that, we achieve goals we may not have otherwise thought possible. We can adapt and build resilience.

If we are to do meaningful things in our lives, we will face criticism and challenge and the better we are able to manage our responses to that, the more capable we will be of achieving our goals. And of living a life which feels worthwhile and inspiring.

So next time you receive some feedback you don’t really want to hear, look for the gift in it – there’s always a gift. Maybe several. Embrace those gifts and step more into a life that is enriching. It’s a gift to yourself but also to the planet when you live a rich life.

How can we do more of what’s truly important to us?

Would you love to set up a savings plan and achieve financial goals?

Do you yearn to study a language but can’t seem to find the time?

Are you seeking a new relationship or ways to enhance the one you’re in now?

Is health and fitness a goal that never comes closer?

If it is not appearing in your life now, then it is not truly important to you. If you valued this goal, you would see evidence of it becoming true in your life already.

The fact that you think about something constantly does not mean that it is of value to you, that you see it as important.

Worrying about money doesn’t mean that building financial security is important to you. Setting up a savings plan and reducing spending does that.

Thinking it would be great to work less so that you can exercise more doesn’t create fitness or better health. Taking the stairs instead of the lift or going for a brisk walk every lunchtime does that.

We usually know what steps we can take but find ourselves continually not taking those steps.

So how do we change our behaviour?

The number 1 thing is to decide what the number 1 thing is and then do that thing first!

How do we decide what the number one thing is though?

Every day, make a list of the 5 or 6 things you would love to achieve for the day.

Too many leaves us feeling overwhelmed, so don’t list more than that.

Then put them into a prioritised order.

Make sure they are realistic. If financial security is one of your goals, don’t say “Clear debt today”!

Your first step may be to ring three banks or check online for comparative rates for refinancing.

It may be to set up a spreadsheet of all expenses and income for a three month period.

Every day your list can contain one further task which will take you closer to financial security.

Tackle first the task you have decided is number one for the day.

Let the other things wait for this priority task to be fulfilled. Who knows what will happen to the other tasks? Someone else may decide to do the thing you’ve put aside while you tackle the important work.

Or once you’ve done what is truly important to you, it may be possible to do the other task in half the time as you’re more inspired and creative. Or you might make more money doing what you love and decide it’s time to pay someone else to do what you don’t!

You will be challenged when you undertake this process. Others will demand your attention and time on other things. Your phone will ring or beep. A visitor will appear…..weird interruptions will occur.

These are all designed to test your resolve. They are perfect to show you that you have made this decision and you will hold firm, no matter what!

If we are to do what is truly important to us we must be prepared to disappoint others.

Do they want us to do what is important to us? No…they want us to do what is important to them.

(Yes they can be thrilled for us to achieve our goals, but not at the expense of their goals).

Later I will share with you how to talk to others so that they are able to recognise and respect what it is that you value while you offer them the same – and both of you continue to feel inspired by doing what you value most.

In the meantime, take note of how much more energised and inspired you are for the rest of your day when you have first done something which is truly meaningful to you.

Call me if you’d like information about how I can help you to prioritise your actions in order to do more of what's truly important to you.

Do you sometimes feel like you have no choice? That life/your partner/your boss have delivered conditions which you must meet, with no say in the matter?

If you said ‘yes’, you’re probably human. It’s common to experience feelings of lack of autonomy or control over our lives.

In reality, we always have control over how we choose to react to circumstances.

Always!

A powerful book I read recently is Viktor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning” in which he writes

about his experiences in Auschwitz and other concentration camps. As a psychiatrist, he was

interested in what helped people to be more able to withstand the rigours of life in the camp,

with hunger, hard labour, beatings and countless daily humiliations to endure.

We can say to ourselves throughout each day “What am I choosing now?”

“I have to get up early for exercise” can become “I’m choosing to stay fit and healthy to make the most of my life”

“I’m stuck on a crowded train going to work” can become “I have time to meditate or to check in on friends or do the crossword”

“I have to do dreary tasks today” can become “I’m choosing to meet challenges which will help me to achieve my goals and to grow.”

“I have no money for what I want to do” can become “I’m so fortunate to live in a country where I have so much opportunity. I have the skills and determination to achieve my financial goals.”

Even the conscious question “What am I choosing now?” can awaken us to what has been driving us unconsciously.

Instead of reaching for a coffee/biscuit/cigarette/TV remote automatically, the question might reveal what our unconscious is trying to avoid.

Is there a difficult decision to be made? An awkward phone call to be make? A complex problem to be solved? An annoying task to complete?

Our animal mind seeks short term gratification and wants to avoid pain, so it’s often in charge when we make what we might call poor choices.

Our executive centre is prepared to manage short term pain for long term gain.

We can activate our executive centre at times when we are about to choose something we know doesn’t really serve us. It can help to begin by deferring the “reward”. We can say “Yes I’m going to have a coffee or a biscuit, but first I will make that difficult call”. This can remind us that we have the power to choose. It often happens that the urge for a sugar hit or to be distracted is not as strong once the challenging task is completed.

Choosing wisely is a like a muscle - it needs repeated stretching to grow stronger. New habits develop as our ‘auto pilot’ is deactivated.

So, for the sake or your health, wealth and wellbeing what choices will you make today?

Call me if you’d like information about how I can help you to make more of the choices which will help you to achieve your goals.

We all have them. The days or weeks where we just feel like things are too hard.

That no matter how we try to organise or motivate ourselves, we have a sense of not making progress.

Maybe you’ve even had that feeling “What’s the point of it all?”

When it’s challenging to drag one foot in front of the other.

Those flat times can occur for a number of reasons:

We can be experiencing grief or resentmentA plan or project may have gone awryWe’ve experienced a financial loss or setbackChallenges in a relationship seem insurmountableWe can lose sight of a goal we’ve been striving forWe can feel overwhelmed by too many tasks and don’t know which step to take next

And often we don’t even know why we feel this way.

What can be surprising is that these flat times can also follow a joyful occasion or some success in an area of our life.

The key thing for us to do is to examine our expectations.

We may have had some clear expectations:

Once I finish my studies I’ll relax and enjoy my leisure timeIf I work hard I’ll become wealthy/gain the approval of ….Losing those kilos will make so much difference to my lifeIf I do x for so-and-so, he/she will praise or appreciate me moreI’ll feel satisfied when I buy a house/have a relationship/have a baby…..I’ll feel secure when I have $...... in the bankI’ll be happy when…….

Or our expectations may be quite unconscious and we don’t realise the impact they have on our actions and our responses..

If we have expected a certain outcome from our efforts, we can then compare what actually happens and become disappointed and resentful.

“After all that work I expected to get that job/raise/break/sale/praise……”

“Surely my efforts deserve more than “Thanks”?”

“Finally I’m a size 12 and still not in a relationship!”

“I supported her when she was struggling, so why isn’t she supporting me now?”

It is often not the events we experience or the actions of others that causes us to feel despondent. Rather it is the comparison of what we are experiencing to what we think we should be experiencing.

Our expectations can rob us of the opportunity to see what we have gained from an experience.

We can miss the gifts we have received, for example:

A realisation that we don’t have to pursue a career that doesn’t inspire usAn appreciation of making efforts for our own satisfaction, without needing the approval of othersAn understanding of our real worth beyond appearances and possessionsAn awareness that others have different values and needs to oursLearning to enjoy the present moment, as it is.

If we were to break down the expectations we have, we can see that they are often quite unrealistic, but it is this fantasy of what we think 'should' have been that blocks our appreciation of what is. Often we compare our real experience to something in our minds that is unreal, an image we don’t unpack to recognise what shortcomings that picture might have really meant in our lives.

When we let go of how we think things 'should' be, we are free to enjoy things as they actually are.

“Comparison is the death of joy.” Mark Twain

Contact me if you would like more information on how to manage particular challenges you are facing.

Most of us don’t like being criticised, yet we criticise others regularly.

Whether we verbalise the criticism or internalise it, it can have a significant detrimental impact on our relationships.

We want others to change, to behave the way we think they should behave, to do what we think they should do, to be more like us………

And yet internally at the same time we’re critical of ourselves.

We often try to be more accepting of the behaviour of others to benefit our connection with them, but we only succeed in burying resentment, which has the same damaging effect on the relationship.

So how do we reduce our criticism of others?

The following steps have worked time and again for my clients and for myself, so I recommend you try them.

When you have the urge to criticise someone, think about where you display that same behaviour. Whatever it is that you are criticising, ask yourself “Where do I do the same or something similar?”

It’s not always in the same form.

For example, you may be critical of someone you perceive to be stingy with money. Look at where are stingy. It might be that you withhold your time, energy or praise.

And if you look further you’ll find the times that you don’t want to spend money where others do. We like to spend on things that are important to us, so we will be ‘stingy’ if friends or family want us to spend on things they see as important that we don’t.

If you’re annoyed at colleagues who you perceive aren’t working effectively, look at work habits.

Perhaps you have areas of your work that you avoid and delay while busying yourself with other jobs that are easier to do?

If the messy habits of others irritate you, look at where you are messy.

Are you messy in your speech instead of your home – do your words ramble all over the place so that people can’t follow your thoughts?

If you are critical of ‘selfishness’ in someone else – look to see how you are ‘selfish’ (‘selfish’ just means doing what’s important to you but that’s another story…!)

Do you let others tackle difficult issues with family members?

Do you hog the TV remote?

If you take a few moments to examine your own behaviour, you’ll find you do the same thing you’re criticising in others.

In the bible there is a story about a crowd of people preparing to stone a woman for her transgressions. Jesus said to them “Let those amongst you without sin cast the first stone”.

The modern equivalent is that “People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones”.

I would add to the above, if you’re being critical of someone else, take some time to reflect on your own actions.

2. Look at the behaviour that is annoying you. Then ask yourself “What am I learning or gaining from that behaviour?”

Are you learning to draw boundaries because of how they behave? To value your time and efforts more?Do you gain a perspective on the world you would otherwise miss out on? Does their behaviour help you to appreciate the unique gifts of others and perhaps to value your own gifts more?Have you learnt to stay focused on your goals instead of trying to please them?Has conflict arising from their behaviour meant that your communication skills have improved? Has this helped your work and personal relationships?Perhaps you have learnt to be more patient, resilient or creative in the face of challenges?

3. Take some time to look at when you have exhibited the behaviour you don’t like in them.

Since we criticise in others what we haven’t learned to love in ourselves, it means that we feel some guilt or shame about our own behaviour in the past, so we bury that and criticise others for behaving that way.

If we explore those times in the past, we can bring our memories into balance.

Then we can be less critical of others and of ourselves.

Go back to a time you have done what you are criticising in them. Who was it towards? Reflect on how that person benefited from your behaviour.

Did they learn to stand up for themselves and what was important to themDid they learn to be more creative or resilient?Were they able to become clearer about not having to please others?Did they become more focused on their own goals because of your behaviour?

If we feel guilty about events of the past, we react to events in the present.

If we bring the past events into balance, we can become present in the moment now.

We can respond instead of reacting.

The more we can live in the present moment, the greater the gratitude and fulfilment we can experience in our lives and our relationships.

We each want to be loved for who we are, as we are.

We don’t want to feel we have to change in order to be loveable.

Contact me if you’d like some further tips on completing the above steps to bring more balance into your life.

Does that seem an outrageous question? If so, have a think about the last lie you told.

Was it two years ago….two months ago…two weeks ago…..or perhaps two minutes ago?

Perhaps you don’t count those “little white lies”?

How do you answer… “Does my bum look big in this…..”? Anyone….?!

And when the girl at the checkout asks how your day has been, do you say ”Good thanks”, regardless of the chaos or torment that might be unfolding in your life?

Or perhaps you don’t include omissions – those times when you don’t answer, don’t say what you really think, don’t tell the complete story…

The truth of the matter is that we all lie. We lie for all sorts of reasons, but the underlying reason is that we perceive that there will be more advantages to us through lying than there will be disadvantages. We imagine that telling the truth will involve greater risks.

Thus children lie to:

avoid being yelled at, smacked or groundedcreate a bit of magic and wonderentertain othersavoid having privileges removedallow them to continue doing something that’s important to them

Adults lie in order to:

avoid causing offence,advance their career prospects,secure a hot datebe given the share market tipsave moneysave timeavoid conflict and achieve peace and quietcreate a bit of magic and wonder (see..we don’t lose it…)provide some breathing space before achieving a deadlineallow them to continue doing something that’s important to them

The last reason is the key to our lies. We want to maintain something that is important to us which may not be important to others.

The child may say “Yes I’ve done my homework” so that he can keep playing video games.

The adult might say “I’ll be there in 10 minutes” and later say the traffic was bad, because it’s avoids time and energy dealing with criticism while that last important email is drafted.

Each one of us has a unique set of values, a hierarchy of things which are most important to us.

These could be:

family, or specifically our children or partnerfashioncareerbuilding wealtha spiritual questtime in naturehealth, fitness,friendsand myriad other possibilities

Others in our lives have different values, and will not see the importance of what we want to spend our time, money and energy pursuing. Remembering this fact can save us a great deal of angst. It’s not that others don’t care about us, it’s just that they’re pursuing their own values.

Am I saying that lying doesn’t matter? No, I’m not. Lies can have serious consequences on our relationships, and if we tell them we ought to be prepared for those consequences.

And if we expect others to live inside our values instead of their own, it is it wise to be prepared for the reality that we will be told more lies.

Do I think some lies have more profound impacts than others? Yes, absolutely.

But I have learnt that we can manage our responses to the lying of others, as well as to our own lies.

Ultimately, we have no control over the behaviour of others. We can only control how we respond. The choices we make have an impact on our health and wellbeing, and on our capacity to achieve what we would love in our lives. So it is worth choosing wisely.

So how to manage lies?

Remember that everyone lies. If we think of times when we have lied, it can reduce the resentment we feel about others lying. It prevents us from being self-righteous.

2. Look at how the lies of others have served you.

Have they:

Saved you time, money, energy?Spared you conflict or embarrassment?Helped you to draw boundaries around your time?Made you more realistic in your expectations?

This exercise will reduce the fantasy we have that life would be better if people were always honest.

3. Maintain an awareness and respect for the values of others. This will help you to reduce the fantasy that others will live outside their values in order to meet yours.

If you speak to others through their values they will be better able to hear what’s important to you and can be more honest about what is important to them in a given situation.

The same principles can be applied to your own lies, so that you don’t carry guilt and shame about your own dishonesty.

Call me if you’d like to know more.

A new client asked me on Monday what I meant by saying “There’s a balance in everything.

But often we only see one side.”

I asked her to think of something she thought had been positive.

She talked about a lovely dinner she’d had out with her partner.

Great food, lovely atmosphere, time to talk…..

As I asked her a few questions, she acknowledged a few ‘downsides’

the meal had cost more than they had planned, upsetting their budget

the waiter had spilt drops of red wine onto her good jacket

she came home to finish work emails and tidy her kitchen

she was tired at work the next day

Does this mean I’m being like Eeyore and not looking on ‘the bright side’?

Am I trying to spoil a lovely memory?

No, it means I’m helping my client to see the balance in that event.

I then asked her to look at a time she’d thought was negative.

She recalled a colleague making a rude remark about her work.

I asked her about the upsides of that event.

she received some support from a new member of the team, building a connection

she didn’t offer to assist the other colleague with his jobs as she would normally

she then had time to do some filing and was able to tidy her workspace

this allowed her to feel more calm and organised before an important meeting

the meeting was very productive and created new work opportunities

So the lovely dinner isn’t a ‘good’ thing, nor is the criticism a ‘bad’ thing.

They are both just ‘things.’ Just events. Both have upsides and downsides.

The more we are able to see both sides of a situation, the greater the control we have over how we respond.

If we fantasise about the ‘good’ times, we can spend time and energy hankering for more.

We can also be disappointed and resentful about times that don’t meet our expectations.

If we are reacting to what we perceive to be negative, we miss an opportunity to see how the situation can be of benefit to us.

When we are balanced in our outlook and expectations, we have far greater control over how we respond. We have less mood swings and more even emotions.

Doesn’t that sound appealing?

Five years ago I met a man who changed my life….

John Demartini was born with arm and leg deformities.

He did not learn to read or write and left home at 14 to live on the streets. He surfed and lived on what he could scavenge.

At age 17, after eating toxic plants, he developed cyanide poisoning. His subsequent health crisis led him to a talk by a nutritionist, Paul Bragg. There began a journey to heal his body and the drive to learn to help others.

He dedicated himself to learning to read and write, then studied to become a chiropractor. He continued studying to discover what it is that helps people overcome adversity.

John Demartini has synthesized the teachings of masters throughout the world and through millennia.

To name a few - Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, Schopenhauer, Einstein, Ralph Waldo Emerson….…

Today he teaches people how to set and achieve the goals which bring them genuine rewards and fulfillment.

And my experience with him?

When we arrived at his weekend workshop, we were given cards to prop on the desk with our names facing the front. The message facing us was:

No matter what I have done or not done, I am worthy of love.

That seemed both a bit weird and strangely comforting.

And thus began a journey down a path which has led to greater inspiration, richer relationships, another career and a whole new world view.

I have learnt so many things from John Demartini’s teaching.

Some of these include that -

- there is a balance in everything but often we only see one side of an event

- the actions we dislike in ourselves bring benefits to others

- the things which drive us crazy in others are in us too

- we each have our own unique set of values

- no one is right or wrong for their values

- if we want people to hear us we are wise to communicate in their values, through what is most meaningful to them

- if we are to pursue what matters to us we are wise to embrace our hero and our villain or we will struggle to grow

Most importantly, I learnt that we only have control over three things

-our perceptions

-our decisions and

-our actions

According to Buddha, the source of human suffering is -

“Striving for that which is unattainable and trying to avoid that which is unavoidable."

It is futile to try to change ourselves or others to be always positive or kind or patient .

Learning how to embrace challenge and conflict rather than avoiding them leads to a richer and more fulfilling life.

Call me if you would love to know how the method works.

It’s an awful feeling.

There are so many things on the TO DO list All of them seem important It doesn’t seem humanly possible to tick them all off There doesn’t even seem to be time to sit down and work out an order to tackle things

Sound familiar? Or is that just me?

My kids thought I’d hit a low point when I called my daughter Bonnie.

The dog in the front is Bonnie - the one in the cubby is Ruby!

Anyway, I’ve kept studying this problem and I thought I’d share my three best solutions for reducing feelings of overwhelm.

1. Mind What You Say To Your Mind

Constantly telling ourselves and others that we are feeling overwhelmed just adds to this feeling. It reinforces the neural pathways in the brain that confirm the feelings of frustration and lack of control as a reality.

Stop saying you feel overwhelmed.

Whenever you think “I feel overwhelmed”, say instead “I need clarity right now”.

This connects us into the pre-frontal cortex, the executive centre of the brain. It allows us to feel that we are in control. That we can manage.

From that space, we are more able to make clear decisions about what is most important.

We often have more things on our to do list than it is ever possible to achieve.

It's essential to ask ourselves

Which items is it important for me to do?

With the remaining items on the list ask yourself -

Which items am I wise to let someone else do? ( See Solution 2)Which items on my list can I let go of altogether? (See Solution 3)

2. Delegate

If you’re thinking “I can’t do it all” you’re probably right!

Trying to do everything can be a habit, whether in the workspace or in other areas of your life.

What are you doing that can be done by someone else?

Yes, it may involve training others or teaching family members to step up.

It is wise to see how delegating to others is a benefit to them.

Do they gain skills?Will they have an opportunity to become more independent?Will they become more engaged, take greater ownership of projects or daily tasks?

It’s not unusual to be challenged a few times to check if you’re serious about a new habit. If you’re a busy person, delegating may be a new habit for you.

Hang in there.

Be persistent.

3. Clarify what is really important (Watch out for the word SHOULD!)

Feelings of overwhelm often flag a conflict between what is truly important to us and what we think we SHOULD be doing. In fact 'should' is a great word to catch in our thinking. Let me explain.

We each have a set of things which are important to us. Which we value.

Everyone has different values.

It is vital for us to understand our unique set of values if we want to enjoy greater wellbeing whilst achieving our goals.

Each of us will do whatever is necessary to achieve what is truly important to us, whether it’s

Building a careerNurturing a familyMaintaining a social networkAchieving fitness goalsStaying in tune with fashion or musicFollowing our sports heroes and teamsTravelling, reading, writing, singing, bodybuilding, cooking......

You get my drift?

Life would be less complicated if we just followed our own values.

Instead, we often take on other peoples’ values -

parents siblingsteachersemployers/mentors people we’ve looked up to throughout life

We can feel torn between doing something that is important to us and other things we think we ‘should’ do.

Those things may well have been the right thing for someone else and we’ve taken them on board as gospel.

We each have a unique gift to bring to the world. We can’t do that if we are always trying to do what’s important to us as well as what’s important to others.

It doesn’t mean that we can’t accommodate or connect with what’s important to others.

Did I think I’d have hip hop playing at full bore in my living room before I had teenagers? No……!

What it means is that we become clearer about how we manage our finite resources - time, energy, money.

So, to recap.

When you feel overwhelmed, say “I need clarity right now”.

Become clear about what is most important to do.

Decide what can be delegated then start delegating!

Remember that you and everyone in your life has a unique set of values.

Catch yourself saying “should” “must” “ought to” and ask yourself - is this really the most important thing for me to be doing right now?

"The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity.

The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do.

You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure, the process is its own reward."

Amelia Earhart. Aviation pioneer.